Psychologist: Crying is "social glue"; let's allow ourselves to cry when we need it

Crying is a "social glue" that signals to those around us that we need support and motivates others to help. It's not a sign of weakness, but a way of processing emotions, so it's worth allowing yourself to cry when you need it, said Adrianna Kaczuba-Kozic from the University of Lodz.

People differ in their general tendency to cry; in psychology, this tendency is called tearfulness. It's a biologically determined individual characteristic. A person with a high tearfulness will cry more often than someone with a lower tearfulness.

Unlike crying caused by things like physical pain or dry eyes, emotional crying occurs in response to emotions. It's meant to relieve emotional tension.

"From a mental health perspective, crying is not a sign of weakness, but an expression of emotions and a way to process them. Therefore, it's worth allowing yourself to cry when you need to," Adrianna Kaczuba-Kozic from the Institute of Psychology at the University of Lodz told PAP.

Crying signals to those around us that we need support. In this way, it acts as a kind of "social glue" or bond that can bring people together and motivate helpful behavior. "This sensitivity to crying has its evolutionary roots. In children, tears are a signal of helplessness, a cry for care, and the same is true in adulthood," the psychologist explained.

Recent research, however, indicates that the social glue function associated with emotional crying is most evident when there is another person nearby who becomes a source of support for the crying person in a highly emotional situation. It's also known that this can't be just a random person, but someone close to us who can truly respond in a supportive manner and be helpful. We usually cry either alone or in the presence of those closest to us—our parents, but also our romantic partners.

However, recent research also shows that the "glue" function has its limitations. If crying is perceived as insincere or manipulative, the motivation to provide support decreases.

Many factors influence how we interpret crying and its motives—from the relationship with the person crying to the broader context of the situation. This makes it challenging to understand this behavior and respond appropriately.

The factor that most influences the evaluation of crying is its appropriateness—that is, whether it is an appropriate response in a given situation. If crying is deemed appropriate (e.g., crying at a funeral), it is understood and evaluated favorably, and the person crying receives support. However, if it is assessed as inappropriate (e.g., bursting into tears for a trivial reason), the benefits may be diminished, and those around them may react with ignorance or ostracism instead of support.

"It's also worth adding that we still don't know the answers to many questions about the bonding function of crying, for example, whether the insincerity effect of crying works in the same way in close relationships, such as romantic relationships. This was one of the reasons for undertaking the research, which I am conducting in collaboration with Dr. Monika Wróbel, a professor at the University of Lodz, and Dr. Karolina Koszałkowska," the researcher explained to PAP.

Currently, she emphasized, there is virtually no research on emotional crying in the context of romantic couples. This may seem surprising, considering that this is a type of close relationship in which crying can play a significant role. Romantic couples seem to be an ideal "field" for testing the hypothesis of crying as social glue.

Crying in relationships has many dimensions; it can be an expression of pain, but also of closeness, and sometimes a tool of influence. Therefore, upon launching her research on the role of crying in relationships, Adrianna Kaczuba-Kozic developed a questionnaire called the "Crying in Romantic Relationships Scale," which measures the frequency of emotional crying in the presence of a romantic partner. Respondents rate on a scale of 1 to 5 how often they cry in front of their partner in various situations, such as when they are proud of their successes or when thinking about the illness of a loved one.

"We want to test whether the types of crying we observed are related to the quality of romantic relationships. This is the first study of its kind—analyzing real-life couples and their functioning within their relationships. Previous studies have been based primarily on fictional scenarios and have usually focused on only one partner. Meanwhile, the involvement of both partners in a research project—though still rare—allows for a better understanding of relationship dynamics, even though it poses a significant organizational challenge for researchers," admitted the researcher.

She emphasized that the results of this study could have practical implications for both those working with couples and the partners themselves. They could help us better understand when crying promotes closeness and understanding, and when it can be a source of tension or misunderstanding. This could have a real impact on the quality of daily communication in a relationship.

Ewelina Krajczyńska-Wujec (PAP)

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